i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
