I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
