you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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