Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My vagina just recognized that song.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
