she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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