It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize