Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He has the fingertips of a God
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