Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
