upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
