the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
