3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
