One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
