Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
