If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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