You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
