Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize