Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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