it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize