allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
