Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
