dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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