So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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