we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
