3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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