My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
