Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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