I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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