my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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