She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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