I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
