dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
