What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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