Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
