just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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