THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
