he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You can't special order awesome
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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