before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
