True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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