You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
