If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
