i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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