i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
