You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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