He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
