I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
