My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
