i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
