Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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