Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
