where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
