dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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