My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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