Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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