Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
