Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
