Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
