I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just googled if crying burns calories
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
