lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think people are normalizing furries
Verdict: uncircumcised.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
