Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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