I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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