Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
