Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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